WORKSHOP

(Construction Chuckles for the Day)

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Drill Press - A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project you carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Wire Wheel - Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh ****!!”

Skill Saw - A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Pliers - Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used to create blood blisters.

Belt Sander - An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touchup jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Hacksaw - One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked unpredictable motion and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future looks.

Vise Grips - Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxy Acetylene Torch - Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel when removing a bearing race.

Table Saw - A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Hydraulic Floor Jack - Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle under the bumper.

Band Saw - A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut good sheets of aluminum into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can, after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

Two Ton Engine Hoist - A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect before hoisting the engine.

Phillips Screwdriver - Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old style paper and tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. Can also be used as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Flathead Screwdriver - A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering the palms of your hand.

Pry Bar - A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding the clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

Hose Cutter - A tool used to make hoses too short.

Hammer - Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are aiming for.

Utility Knife - Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard boxes delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son-of-a-**** Tool - Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, “son-of-a-*****”! It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.